Faking Fine: The Law of Lament
What Is Lament and Why Does It Matter for Your Emotional and Spiritual Health?
Grief, loss, and pain are unavoidable parts of life. Yet most of us were never taught how to deal with them in a healthy way. There is a biblical practice that God has given us for exactly this purpose, and it is called lament. Understanding and practicing lament could be one of the most transformative things you do for both your emotional and spiritual health.
Why Do We Struggle to Deal With Our Emotions?
Many of us grew up in homes or cultures where showing painful emotions was discouraged. Messages like "boys don't cry," "be tough," or "suck it up" shaped how we handle grief and loss. As a result, we never developed healthy ways to process the painful side of our emotional lives.
The amount of loss we accumulate over a lifetime is staggering. Death of loved ones, divorce, disease, abuse, infertility, the loss of dreams, watching a parent decline. And beyond personal loss, if we have any kind of soul, we also carry the weight of what we see in the world around us.
How Do Most People Cope With Grief and Loss?
When we have not been taught healthy ways to deal with loss, we tend to fall into one of three patterns:
Suppression: We ignore the pain, push it aside, minimize it, and pretend it is not there. This often leads to explosive outbursts or deep apathy.
Rumination: We drown in the grief, replaying events over and over. This cycle tends to produce bitterness and emotional coldness toward God and others.
Stoicism: We let the pain harden us. We put up walls with God and others and turn to self-reliance and isolation.
Whatever the coping mechanism, unprocessed grief eventually becomes toxic. It poisons both our emotional and spiritual health.
What Is Biblical Lament?
Lament is not simply feeling sad or crying. It is a process. Biblical lament is a process that brings our suffering to God and transforms our honest grief and unanswered questions into an act of trust in His character.
Remarkably, 40% of the Psalms in the Bible are psalms of lament. God did not just allow this. He ordained it. He gave us words to put to our pain, even words that feel accusatory toward Him, because He can handle it. Lament is a God-ordained release valve that directs our pain toward the One who can actually do something about it.
As Pete Scazzero writes in Emotionally Healthy Discipleship, if an authentic spiritual life is anything, it is an absolute commitment to reality and not an escape from it.
The Four Movements of Lament (From Psalm 13)
1. Turn Toward God
Psalm 13 opens with raw honesty: "How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?" - Psalm 13:1 New International Version (NIV)
The first movement of lament is to turn toward God when everything inside of you is telling you to turn away. The enemy's strategy is always to isolate us. Lament refuses that. It sets our focus on God Himself, even when we are hurting, even when we feel like He is distant or silent.
Notice that the psalmist is brutally honest about how he feels toward God. He is not sugarcoating anything. God invites this kind of honesty because the alternative, turning our pain inward or letting it explode outward, is far more destructive.
2. Feel Your Feelings and Name the Pain
The psalmist continues: "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" - Psalm 13:2 New International Version (NIV)
Lament challenges us not just to be honest about how we feel toward God, but to be honest about the pain itself. The psalmist does not downplay it. He does not suppress it. He does not cover it with pious optimism.
One practical way to begin feeling your feelings is to listen to your body. Your body often knows what is happening before your mind can comprehend it. Tension in your neck, a knot in your stomach, tightness in your throat. These are signals worth paying attention to, because God communicates to us through our bodies as well.
You cannot heal what you refuse to feel.
The Selah Moment: Do Not Rush the Process
Scattered throughout many psalms is the word "Selah." Its exact meaning has been lost to history, but it is likely a musical interlude, a pause in the song where the music continues but the singing stops. It is an invitation to sit, to wait, to be present without rushing toward resolution.
When we are in pain, we want relief as quickly as possible. But some pain cannot be healed quickly. The Selah moment invites us to sit in that pain, not to ruminate on it, but to wait in God's presence, aware of the pain and aware of who He is. It is in this patient waiting that God often speaks the loudest.
3. Ask Boldly
"Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death." - Psalm 13:3 New International Version (NIV)
Lament does not leave you sitting in a puddle of emotion. It gives you a healthy way to offload the pain. In the Psalms, there is no such thing as too big of an ask. The psalmists asked God to do things that feel uncomfortable to read. But that is precisely the point. By voicing even the most raw and difficult feelings to God, we release what is toxic inside of us and place it into the hands of the One who can deal with it appropriately.
Do not be shy about what you ask God to do. You are asking on the basis of His divine nature and His loving character. He is not going to be surprised or offended by your honesty.
4. Choose Trust and Praise
"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for He has been good to me." - Psalm 13:5-6 New International Version (NIV)
Almost all psalms of lament end with a turn back toward God in faith and trust. And here is the remarkable thing: as far as we know, whatever was troubling the psalmist has not been resolved. The situation has not changed. What has changed is the heart.
Choosing to trust and praise God when nothing has changed is one of the greatest acts of faith you can make. This final movement matters for at least three reasons:
It anchors your perspective in God's character rather than your circumstances. To the extent we focus only on the problem, we will not see God in the problem.
It reminds us of what is permanent when everything else feels unstable. Worship brings completion to the process and places the burden into hands bigger than ours.
It is an act of holy defiance. Worship at the end of lament is not toxic positivity. It is a declaration that suffering does not have the final say and does not hold ultimate authority over your identity or your destiny.
Did Jesus Practice Lament?
If you think expressing emotion is unbecoming or unmanly, consider Jesus. When His friend Lazarus died, Jesus already knew what He was going to do. He knew the outcome. Yet when He arrived at the tomb and saw those He loved weeping in despair, He was moved by their pain. And in the shortest verse in the English Bible, we read simply that "Jesus wept." - John 11:35 New International Version (NIV)
Jesus modeled healthy lament. He did not bypass the grief. He entered into it.
What Happens When We Learn to Lament Well?
When we commit to the practice of lament, several things begin to happen:
We gain greater revelation about who God is, because He draws especially near in our pain.
We become more compassionate and empathetic toward others who are hurting.
We gain greater insight about ourselves. As C.S. Lewis observed, God whispers to us in our pleasure but shouts to us in our pain.
We remove the masks we present to the world and become liberated from performing a version of ourselves that is not real.
We become what Henri Nouwen called "wounded healers." Just as Jesus heals us by His wounds, He sends us into the world with our wounds so that others can find healing in Him as well.
We do not get over loss. We go through loss with God.
Life Application
This week, practice lament. The next time you feel sad, angry, lonely, or afraid, do not suppress it, ruminate on it, or let it harden you. Instead, walk through the four movements:
Turn toward God, even when everything in you wants to turn away.
Feel your feelings and name the pain honestly.
Ask boldly, bringing your full, unfiltered request before God.
Choose trust and praise, even if nothing has changed.
If you are someone who processes through writing, consider journaling your lament or even writing your own psalm. There is no wrong way to do it. The goal is honesty before God.
Ask yourself these questions as you reflect this week:
What pain, grief, or loss am I currently suppressing, ruminating on, or letting harden me?
Have I given myself permission to feel what I am actually feeling, or have I been faking fine?
What would it look like for me to bring that pain honestly to God this week, and to choose trust and praise even before I see a resolution?
You cannot heal what you refuse to feel. But when you bring your pain to God through lament, you are not just coping. You are being transformed.